Shayari Blues

Please do check out Pellamuti's Instagram account to buy the zine that I wrote! The rawest collection I've written so far. Also, don't forget to check her other crochet products!  ------ I've always loved reading. When I was little, my parents would buy me storybooks with beautiful illustrations and I'd read them in one sitting. Even after finishing them, I take my time to stare at the details of drawings in admiration. At school, we used to have a little library in our classroom where I used to borrow and read during my free time which is a lot when you're still in elementary. And then there was a day that I've read single book on that shelf and I didn't know what to do next. I used to think reading was something that everyone does, like breathing.   I felt like I was not really much of a huge reader then because I wasn't reading intimidating long books on sciences, mathematics, or history, but I knew from then I am in love with stories. I read my ...

     J.K. Rowling says that if you don't enjoy reading, you might just haven't found the book that is for you. The biggest misconception that the society has about reading is that it is boring. But do you really realize the importance of reading and the benefits the that you could get from it?      Study shows that you are the average of five people you spend most of your time with. As a human being, you adopt and learn from your surrounding. The more time you spend with someone, the more you adopt their habit and mindset. Don't you sometimes catch yourself using your friend's frequently used slang or catch-up phrase? You become what influences you. For example, when your friend says he or she haven't reviewed for your exams, what will you most likely do? You will procrastinate with your friend. This is where the benefit of reading comes into the picture. When you read, you are being influenced with limitless ideas and adopt the author's mindset. Some wou...

Art inspired by CL's new song +5 star+ This photo  CL and Ian  is also uploaded on my IG page! :)

Ugh, been wanting to watch this film for ages so when it came up on Netflix today, I watched it immediately, and my oh my did it not disappoint! Kudos to Ms. Tonette for this great film! This review focuses mostly on the storyline because I am sucker for stories, but I have to admit that the cinematography is superb as well! First of all, why don’t we have a genre for dreams? Yes, dreams! I want to have a genre that could empower dreamers like how romance movies empower hopeless romantics. Just a thought, though. Anyway, the two main points that I love about this movie is the concept of living your “what-if” for a day (don’t we all have one?) and rediscovering yourself. Sometimes we grow up and we think that we are no longer the naïve dreamer we once were. Tine and Raf grew up and became two people far from who they perceived they would become when they were still in college. As a youngster myself, I do have aspirations of changing the world, and like Tine who was changed by th...

After working for Danie and I's little christmas project, I decided to relax in the afternoon since I am not feeling quite well. I'm still in the process of learning and liking being alone. Been reading a lot of self-help books and watching youtubers who encourage self love. It is freeing to realize how I can redefine the things I've learned growing up in my own terms. Something doesn't always felt right with how things were, and I am happy to be here where I realize how I can change that. My life has never been lived by anyone, and nobody knows it better than I do. I think it's essential to unravel yourself and find this fascinating person within you that won't come out if you keep on living the way others have lived. Not sure if that quite makes sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. Ah, what a nice day. The sky so blue, the wind slowly blowing the branches of trees, the coldness of ber months starting to hug the world, and the joy the season of...

I want someone to hold me and listen to me because I’m so scared about everything. Fear paralyzes me from the moment I wake up. The emotion clouds my thoughts of not being good enough. I feel like no one would love this disappointing version of myself who could not even get out of bed and face her day. I feel so unlovable. Most days, I still carry the awful things that have been said to me and wonder if they’re true. I feel like my life is heading towards nowhere, sometimes I don’t think it’s even moving. I don’t make progress and I’m stagnant because I’m afraid to be rejected, fail, or make a fool out of myself. I’m so tired of being the person they ran into when they have problems only to have no one when I needed a hand. I’m so scared of losing people I push them away even before they do. I tend to sabotage relationships by showing them my worst traits thinking that maybe if they already saw me at my worst and stayed, then maybe this time they would. But who sticks around a person...

Sometimes, even though it's been a while, I still cannot believe on the permanence of your absence in my life. How can someone just not be there anymore? I hate it . And sometimes I want to be selfish and grab the person that holds your face but what stops me was the thought that nothing would ever change now. I've tried so hard for so long and it's just not there anymore. I just hate how it still fucks me up sometimes. I hate the memories we made and the footprints we left in this town. How can I go around without thinking about all those times? How can you?  I'll sleep this ache. I hope I will eventually get tired of reopening this wound because the outcome would never change and it would always just hurt.

I'm getting older and I don't like it haha.  Kidding aside, I've been going through immense growth just as any 22-year-old goes through. I've realized how important it is to let yourself be a perpetual student of life because,   surprise surprise, the learning doesn't stop even after college. I've recently gone through a phase in my life, after years of beating myself up (and still learning not to, at least not all the time) where I finally took a break and breathe. The pandemic that's currently going on have taken a lot of jobs from Filipino workers, companies have closed and others laid off employees. I am included on the current statistics of 40% that's unemployed, although unlike most, I chose to quit my job due to personal reasons. Pandemic also took a toll on my mental health, but I feel better now after a few months of adjustment. I feel mentally strong now and have plans on going back to working life again. Crazy as it might sound but I miss ...

I've quit. And I used to think and feel like it's the best thing I can do for myself. And I still think it is, but the people around me thinks otherwise. It sucks when you gave up with the thing that they are most proud about you and you can feel they are starting to love you less. It sucks to be a people pleaser all my life. I am starting to change it but the feeling stays and eats me up inside. I feel like a failure. To their eyes I may be am, but I know I am not. There just are days when it's hard to shrug the thought away. I need to chill. To STOP thinking about how I am gonna fail and that they are right that quitting was a wrong decision. I need to give myself some time to breathe and relax. To not think of anything but to focus on just breathing, just getting by. I may not have everything figured out by now, but I know what doesn't feel right and what doesn't speak to my soul. I will feel alive again soon.

I am in no shape to give a piece of myself right now so I guess this is more of a breather. Exactly a year ago, I woke up to my mom crying. She told me that my dad had an affair and that I have 13-year-old sister. I was shocked and it hurt. That day I was also supposed to meet Andrei to post-celebrate his birthday as we were both busy with school. It was good because I really want to be away from home that time. We were at Tokyo Tokyo to eat ramen, I couldn't bring myself to tell Andrei the news without breaking in front of him. I was silent on the first few minutes we were together. When he got back from the counter and told me that the ramen I want was not available, I began to cry. He did not know what to do and could not figure out why I was crying over ramen, but I could not speak while I was sobbing. He assured me we will look for ramen somewhere and I laughed. To this day, a year later, I still find it very funny. I later then told him the news, I couldn't re...

The most poetic and my favorite song of Taeyeon is 11:11. The chorus roughly translates to: Everything finds its place and leaves You took all of me and left But like the two hands of the clock in my heart I keep lingering in the same place I used to not believe in wishes. As my father taught me, it won't take you anywhere as far as hard work will do. I used to be someone's 11:11 wish. Before, unlike Taeyeon's song which is heart-shattering, the 11:11 wish I know is a wistful and naive one. This person used to wish to spend his life with me, and already pictures a future with me. Used to. People can change people. And change, as he once said to me, doesn't have to be bad. For me, change is hard to live with, but it reveals itself over time. What's beneath change cannot be seen at first glance, but if you spend some time it, you would realize why it's meant to happen and why are we here now. For us, we are here now because we would grow so much more...

Becoming became my favorite word after reading Michelle Obama's incredibly written memoir. Days ago, the result of the bar exam has been released and I could not help but feel proud and teary-eyed when I saw videos online on how emotional bar passers were. I could not help but dream of seeing myself as one of them someday-- hopeful, and anxious for the result. Parents could not stop themselves from the overwhelming flow of happiness, because finally, after a decade's worth of endless patience, perseverance, and hard work, it finally pays off. Becoming a lawyer is tough. I know the stories. I've read and heard about what seems to be endless memorizations and readings; a path filled with failures, shame, and disappointments; of being absent for all of the occasions because you have to read a pile of cases. I know, and I'm a little scared. As one attorney puts it, if you want to become a lawyer, this hell is what you pay for in exchange for being that ambitious. L...

Five years ago today, I graduated from High School unsure of my path. College is unfamiliar territory and I am afraid to make a wrong decision about the track that I want to pursue. I chose Communication Arts as I am fond of reading, and writing. I would've taken Journalism, but it wasn't offered at the university that my parents chose for me. I am secretly grateful for that because I didn't think I am good enough of a writer to pursue Journ. I was scared about the future that awaits me. Entering college made me feel like it's a decision that will determine my life. I have always been intimidated by what I do not know and by the people who know better than I do. I used to feel and see myself as someone too small to be noticed, praised, and recognized. Choosing a perfect course that would fit my dreams was hard for someone who's been told all her life who she should be what she should be like. I was frustrated not to know what I want. I was frustrated because ...

I am sitting comfortably at the sofa of our house, near a window overlooking the starless sky. The night is quiet, and soon I would fall into slumber. But then I thought about looking back, so I am writing this. If you know me personally, you would know hardworking I am. I always give my best in everything that I do, and too often it’s because I’m scared of being mediocre. And love isn’t an exception of that.   Years ago, I would wake up early to attend my classes. I rarely come unprepared so I would try to read some notes before leaving home. It’s a routine that up to this day I carry with me and has been very handy at work. And you know what else was a routine? Every morning, I’d wake up with a message from someone who loves me. Remembering how we were back then makes me smile. No, I no longer love him. But I know I would never be young and foolish again as I was before. And at that time, I was happy. The simplest message of someone believing in me saying, “kaya m...

Being in quarantine, alone, makes me realize a lot of things. Lately, I refuse to be alone because I do not want my thoughts. But I guess you can never run away from yourself. I opened up with a friend about the unhealthy patterns that I see in myself. It is not that I am the type who easily falls in love, it is that deep down I settle because I am scared of being alone. I feel like I cannot love myself enough that I try to look for it from other people, pleasing them so much so that they could validate and love me. Might have been because of some childhood traumas I still carry. I'm working on it now but I know it would not be easy. What surprised me most is that I thought she would dismiss me. But, instead, she assured me that I have a lot of people who care and love me. My family and friends. Well, that's surprising because most times, whenever a friend of ours would rant about stuff, she would dismiss them and say that there is nothing to stress about. It's tough lo...