My Life Then

Five years ago today, I graduated from High School unsure of my path. College is unfamiliar territory and I am afraid to make a wrong decision about the track that I want to pursue. I chose Communication Arts as I am fond of reading, and writing. I would've taken Journalism, but it wasn't offered at the university that my parents chose for me. I am secretly grateful for that because I didn't think I am good enough of a writer to pursue Journ.

I was scared about the future that awaits me. Entering college made me feel like it's a decision that will determine my life. I have always been intimidated by what I do not know and by the people who know better than I do. I used to feel and see myself as someone too small to be noticed, praised, and recognized. Choosing a perfect course that would fit my dreams was hard for someone who's been told all her life who she should be what she should be like. I was frustrated not to know what I want. I was frustrated because I do not know myself enough. 

College started and I am a lost 16-year-old doubtful about my life choices. But as I went through, I met people as lost as I am, bonded and shared dreams and aspirations of what the future might look like. I have never been carefree my entire life. Back then, my days were only filled with books, school, and home. These people taught me what it was like to let life be, break loose and laugh at our mistakes. Eventually, they became my best friends whom I shared four years of my college life.

I'd beat myself up and push way too hard every time I'd fail. I want to be someone that my family could be proud of, someone people would look up to and be inspired by. And it was effective. I was a Dean's Lister, Scholar, Secretary of our class for years, Secretary of an org I pioneered, authored a thesis that was among the choice of studies to be the best thesis, and a leader.

But even then, I was unhappy.

I am not good enough. I'd tell myself that every time I'd get a 98 and someone gets a 100. Do I live my life to be a shadow of someone? Second of the best? Who in history remembers the second best? I don't feel great when someone outstands me. Which is why I often feel sad. I want to be the best because the best means special. And if I am not special, then I am just ordinary which feels a lot like all the hardworks I've been doing is being put to waste.

I graduated feeling shitty graduating without a Latin honor, or even honorable mention as this title was removed from being given. I felt shitty that my life back then was turning upside down with problems occurring in my family and my love life. This is why I am only writing about my college life a year after graduating from college.

You know, a year can do so much, and I've learned so much since then.

To simply put the things I know now, I realized I am worthy and special just by being myself. The more I move forward, the more I know more about myself. I am not the recognitions, the failures, the shame, and all the labels the society tries to fit me into. I am myself, and I will be me.