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Good morning.


It has indeed been a while since I last had a good and slow morning to ground myself. I got my booster shot for covid yesterday and experienced some of the side effects. For the first time in 8 months at my not so new work; I took a pause and used my leave. To be honest,  I still feel physically capable of working but the truth is I’m exhausted mentally. It’s been a brutal ride for my mental health transitioning to another company, juggling two jobs for a month barely getting enough sleep, relationships ending, losing the people I love to different illnesses, my deep seated fears of not being good enough – sometimes all of these strike me all at once that it kind of paralyzes me. 


But I still show up, everyday, like I don’t struggle to merely survive. 


I’m still so hard on myself whenever I do not meet any expectations or if I do not excel or if I am not doing as much as I thought I should. I feel like resting is a prize I am not worthy of. 


It’s August and I’m determined to change things: to learn compassion for myself. I do not think it is the fear of not excelling itself, but mostly of abandonment and not having control. I have been hurt so much before and I still carry the scars with me. But I so want to enjoy this life and feel alive again. 


The previous year was not easy but there are tiny miracles that come my way everyday. There are angels that show up whenever I’m in need of a tiny speck of magic and hope. I wish not to view life as pain although there is pain, sometimes too much to even bear. 


I’m 23 and I’m still learning how to cope with life.

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