Thoughts of a lost girl #3: A look back

I am sitting comfortably at the sofa of our house, near a window overlooking the starless sky. The night is quiet, and soon I would fall into slumber. But then I thought about looking back, so I am writing this.

If you know me personally, you would know hardworking I am. I always give my best in everything that I do, and too often it’s because I’m scared of being mediocre. And love isn’t an exception of that.
 

Years ago, I would wake up early to attend my classes. I rarely come unprepared so I would try to read some notes before leaving home. It’s a routine that up to this day I carry with me and has been very handy at work. And you know what else was a routine? Every morning, I’d wake up with a message from someone who loves me.

Remembering how we were back then makes me smile. No, I no longer love him. But I know I would never be young and foolish again as I was before. And at that time, I was happy.

The simplest message of someone believing in me saying, “kaya mo ‘yan. Lanie pa ba?” Without a doubt, he did love me.

I guess I was also lucky to have met someone that time who’s given me his best at loving as well.

We were young, we were naïve, and we loved each other the way we only know how to. And for a time being, it was everything.

I realized now how it’s easy to love yourself when someone loves you. It’s easier to believe in yourself when someone already believes in you. He played a huge role on my discovery of self-worth and how I should not place it on anyone’s standard. I have always been enough.

As we grow old, we meet different people who teach us different lessons in life. My first love taught me love in it’s purest and innocent form. Although we’ve come different ways now, he’s been my person and will always hold a place in my heart.

I am alone now, but not lonely. I am still in the process of learning how to love myself fully, but loving him in the past taught me some ways how to.