A year after graduation and what I've learned so far

I'm getting older and I don't like it haha. 

Kidding aside, I've been going through immense growth just as any 22-year-old goes through. I've realized how important it is to let yourself be a perpetual student of life because,  surprise surprise, the learning doesn't stop even after college.

I've recently gone through a phase in my life, after years of beating myself up (and still learning not to, at least not all the time) where I finally took a break and breathe. The pandemic that's currently going on have taken a lot of jobs from Filipino workers, companies have closed and others laid off employees. I am included on the current statistics of 40% that's unemployed, although unlike most, I chose to quit my job due to personal reasons. Pandemic also took a toll on my mental health, but I feel better now after a few months of adjustment.

I feel mentally strong now and have plans on going back to working life again. Crazy as it might sound but I miss being challenged and stressed.

For the past idle months, I've let myself cry, break, and just be weak. I realized I've been trying to hold on to my broken self for so long, struggling to keep the pieces intact. I've let myself collapse and it wasn't the best feeling there is-- if not, the worst. There are a lot of truths I am in denial about my life that I chose to face just recently. Truth is, no matter how strong I appear in my facade, it's all fake and I'm really fragile inside. So I crumbled.

There was even a time I wanted to take my own life, but I'm so grateful I did not.

I failed more than I can remember. Success is such a rarity in my life so far. One of the lessons I've learned is that disappointments and failures will only ever become a real failure if one hadn't learned from it. It sucks being a student of life because how else would you learn but through experience? And I am the worst type of beginner. Ugh, life.

So, I changed my goal now from winning things to learning things.

I actually like how wise failure makes me.

Another lesson is to love myself. There are days I am oozing with self-love, and there are days that love is barely there. I am trying to be patient with myself. To love this imperfect and contradicting girl. As I go through my days, I become aware of how harsh I used to treat myself because of the words I convince myself to be true; that I was worthless, unlovable, and no one would love me unless I try to be perfect. But that's the thing, no one ever is perfect. Everyone carries their own baggage of toxic traits. And if I am willing to look past people's flaws, then I should be more than willing to overlook mine as well. Flaws shouldn't stand in the way of love, especially when one aims to better one's self.

I've learned not to punish myself for not being who people expect me to be, and for not being who I expect myself to be.

I am who I am.

I've also learned to take days off from social media as well. I've noticed how it downs me when I see a lot of people I know thriving, and I couldn't help but envy them. This irritates me because I want to celebrate their achievements and not be bitter about it. It's just so hard to fight those looming thoughts that I'm not as good as them. But I should know that in every success comes a long list of failures before it. Maybe I'm just not done with my failing phase. Maybe what's for me is better than how I want things to be. I should stop comparing my lows to their highs. My time would come too.

Lastly, I do not rush on love. I don't know how to put it exactly, but I don't think I am in perfect condition to fall in love anytime soon. My time alone has taught me again how beautiful independence is. A year ago, I felt so lost, but now I've found the light -- or at least how to maneuver on one's darkness. I can now proudly say that I am happy on my own.

Phew! It's been a year! I'm only on the sunrise of my dreams. A lot is yet to come, but I know better now 😉