I’m scared

I want someone to hold me and listen to me because I’m so scared about everything. Fear paralyzes me from the moment I wake up. The emotion clouds my thoughts of not being good enough. I feel like no one would love this disappointing version of myself who could not even get out of bed and face her day. I feel so unlovable. Most days, I still carry the awful things that have been said to me and wonder if they’re true. I feel like my life is heading towards nowhere, sometimes I don’t think it’s even moving. I don’t make progress and I’m stagnant because I’m afraid to be rejected, fail, or make a fool out of myself. I’m so tired of being the person they ran into when they have problems only to have no one when I needed a hand.

I’m so scared of losing people I push them away even before they do. I tend to sabotage relationships by showing them my worst traits thinking that maybe if they already saw me at my worst and stayed, then maybe this time they would. But who sticks around a person who treats everyone like shit but holds those around her at a high standard?

I’m so so lost. I want someone I could lean on. I want someone to love me again. My past love might be toxic when it ended but that was the best love I’ve known, something I own and was solely mine. And I still grieve that I lost it.

I'm so unhappy with how things turned out. I do not know what comes next. Nothing is certain and I feel so alone in my battles that I sometimes consider giving up.