Shayari Blues

Today's December 5, 2019, Thursday, and I started writing this at10:25PM. I got home two hours ago. Ate dinner and watched some episodes of FRIENDS to relax. Today's been a stressful one-- actually, most of my days these past few weeks have been stressful. Days from now will mark my 3rd month as a working girl. I know it is evident, but it has not been easy for me to deal with people at work. Today, I almost tried to quit. I am writing this because I know I will someday forget what happened today. Earlier, I got scorned at the phone for meddling with "our" account, when I am just asking for updates. I got scolded for doing what was asked of me, not knowing it was not enough because the instructions weren't clear. My boss got disappointed in me for a lot of shortcomings that I did not know the project needs. I feel like everyone at work hates me and talks about me behind my back. I start to overthink that maybe they all think I'm stupid, up to no good, and ...

I’m anxious about going to work tomorrow that it kind of ruined my Sunday. I woke up with the news that I messed up proofreading AGAIN for the nth time. I’m scared with the thought that what if I am not growing? What if I am disappointing people? I so dreaded the feeling of not being good enough and being a failure. I try to do everything to be good and to please people. I am so uncomfortable with the thought that someone hates me or someone doesn’t think I’m deserving of the things I’ve accomplished in the past because I’m a messed up. But then I realized, so what? So what if I disappoint people? So what if I lose this job? So what if I am not good enough? At least I’m trying my best and that has to count for something. I know the universe falls in love with a persistent and resilient heart. But I cannot keep on insisting on what is not meant for me. Somewhere along the way of being lost, of feeling like a failure, I am going to eventually land where I am supposed t...

One of my dearest dearest friend is experiencing heartbreak similar to mine months ago. Comforting her brought me back to the familiarity of this hurt.  Five months ago, I was left by the person I thought I could keep for always. I tried to keep everything altogether because I was still finishing my thesis then so I had to push back my emotions and wrote this at the back of my planner.  Sent her this piece to remind her that it's okay to feel things, to devour the hurt down to your core and to let it break you. Because it will pass. The hurt will pass as time goes by. You will be yourself again, but first you have to learn to be wiser, stronger and softer. 

It's October and less than a hundred days before Christmas, my favorite time of the year. I used to not know where I'd end up at this point. After college, I feel like a blank and purposeless canvas. But I am slowly filling the tabula rasa that I am. The past weeks have been frustrating and exhausting, but I found a place where I feel like I truly belong. Finally. Somewhere I can be myself, I can practice what I can do, and a place where I know I can be more. I still feel lonely sometimes, but I no longer let myself be consumed by the things that used to control and hurt me. It also amazes me how the months have changed me. 2019 is almost over but the learning continues. Some lessons are meant to hurt. I also learned how not to hold on too much-- how to let go and let things be. How to stop trying to control what I cannot change. I've learned how to persist in my dreams and to live for it. Before, I thought some dreams would stay as dreams. But they are not and we must...

I miss you, emo boy. I’m scared to admit it at first when you left but I’ve already gotten so used of you. I thought I could keep you for long. You were too good to me. I wish I had the chance to say that to you before you decided to leave me too. And it’s okay, I don’t blame you. I guess I became a burden too. But there are a lot of things I did not get a chance to say to you. First, thank you for being nothing but kind to me. Thank you for making me feel that I have someone at my side for weeks. Second, I really love your favorite song. For many nights, it comforted me and made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Third, we have so much in common. And I love it that I found someone who mirrors me. Fourth, I’m sorry that I did not get to assure you how I would always be here. How I would also be willing to listen to your sad stories and stupid jokes. How I would always laugh at them even though I try to conceal it. I told you, mababaw akong tao. Fifth, I find you cute really. You’re a ...

Was feeling a little bummed because it has been a month since I graduated and I still feel lost. I attended only one job interview so far and I got the job, but felt the need to reject it because I felt like it was not for me. I don't understand myself either. But I felt like I made the right decision because ten days after grad, I wasn't still at my best self because of all the storms that had come my way. Thankfully now, all has been well.  I bumped into this photo while I was browsing through our college photos. Taken by one of my best friends when we had our studio tour at ABS-CBN. The hopeful and full of dreams Lanie. I still miss her sometimes. Funny how this was taken a year before I actually became an intern at ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs. I thought that dreaming of having an internship there was a wistful dream, but it did happen. One of the hardest but worthwhile experiences of my life so far.  I'd like to remind myself that life is no...

Hinahanap ka ng dagat. Nagtatanong ang mga alon. Nagtataka ang mga buhangin. “Nasan na ang isang pares ng mga bakas?” bulong nila. Pero lumayag ka na.  At nangakong di na ulit babalik pa. Ang kahapon ay para lang sa kahapon.  Nalungkot ang dagat.  Tumaas at naging masungit ang mga alon,  Tila nais kang ibalik.  Pero malayo ka na, At malaya ka na.  Pinagmasdan ko ang dagat.  Pinagmasdan ko bawat halik ng alon sa dalampasigan, Dala ang bawat bakas.  Pag akap sa kung anong meron ang dalampasigan, Ay patuloy na aangkinin nang karagatan.  Sapagkat ganon ang pagmamahal. Niyayakap ang ganda, Hinahagkan ang pait, Inaangkin din ang sakit.  Patuloy man na magbago ang mga bakas sa dalampasigan, Ay hindi titigil ang dagat sa paghalik rito.  Hindi ba’t ganon ang pagmamahal? Nagbabago pero walang nagbabago.  Ngunit ang bawat hangganan Dulot ng bawat paglisan, Ay may hatid na bagong simula.  Sinuyod ko ang dagat.  Kasama kong lu...

I could not look back in college and not remember my first love. I met Andrei when I transferred school. He's also taking up Communication and is a blockmate of mine. He said that he instantly had a crush on me when he first met me. I didn't feel it. But for him, it was love at first sight. I could only smile whenever I would remember how he used to be shy whenever he's around me. We did not talk until he got the courage to text me during sophomore year, and the rest was history. I fell in love with a good man. A softhearted one. It was not hard to love you, Andrei. And our days spent together have been the best that I've got yet. I know that you are on your way to your dream now, and I am also working on mine. We may have gone separate ways now, but part of me will always be in love with you. It sucks how we could not talk anymore, how both of us outgrown each other and become strangers through time. But our 19-year-old selves would never know that, what they ...

A lot has happened, and wow, what a crazy roller coaster ride life is. I created this blog, way back in 2015, when I was still a freshman college student. The original plan was to document my life and journey as a college student. And as you browse here, you can see that it did not happen. I became shy when my friends started reading the things I've posted in here. Shy and conscious. And obviously, that stopped me from posting my thoughts here. As I've said, a lot has happened and some dreams changed. I look back and read my past thoughts and realized how naive and wistful I was about life. But the crazy part about life is that no matter how good or shitty a moment is, it does not stop there; it goes on. And so I plan on bringing this one to life once more. I'll be brave and post my raw thoughts. Life's already crazy so it would be nice to have a little corner of my own. So hello again to me.

So, I was MIA for the past two years and a lot has happened. I created this blog to express myself because the best way that I know how to do it is through writing and doing a little bit of art. The last blog post dates back in 2016. It was actually a high school dream of mine to become a famous blogger, I just did not know what the focus of my blog should be until I entered college. And then, this blog was birthed. I did not post a lot, and everything totals 11 posts the whole year of 2016. Creating a blog like this one made me anxious so much because I shared it with my friends, and I’m not really comfortable of the idea of them reading my thoughts that is why I did not post frequently. This blog was supposed to be intimate, and I don’t think I was ready to be intimate that time. It’s now 2019, I’ve grown and matured, and finally at the senior year in college. I’ve learned a lot, and now, I think I am finally ready to share what I knew, what I learned, what I experi...