Shayari Blues

     I figured it out.      My life, of course.      Life's been pretty shitty lately. I've been feeling shitty. And it feels even more shitty to not want to be shitty anymore.      Now that's a lot of curse words and I really have to work on my dirty mouth.      I wanna lie and tell how my life's great and I am thriving but fuck that bullshit (oops). If I'm gonna be honest, I hate my heart for feeling a lot. I got caught up on a new guy again and what differs this time is that I couldn't hate him. He didn't treat me poorly nor lied to me, it's just that he doesn't like me back. And he's everything I fucking want.      My heart keeps on making poor decisions and I fucking hate it.      I am not proud to be so hung up on such stupidity but this shit has been weighing me down. I feel like a fucking loser who couldn't live up to the girl he wanted. I so desperately want to b...

 My February has been filled with so much blessing and of goals coming to life that I feel like I got lucky. I tend to downplay my wins and blame everything on luck. This month taught me that: -           Things meant for you will eventually find you -           I still love reading fantasy books -           I am already good and still in the process of getting better I finally found a job that I could love after months of doubting if I’d ever find one. I was ready to settle with whatever job I could find because it’s been eight months since my previous work, and I feel like I’m starting to get rusty in what I do. I’ve been through a lot of self-doubt nights where I would cry and feel so purposeless. I thought I’d hit jackpot when I landed on this job. It was a tedious process of interviews and I thought I just wouldn’t get it, but I did. ...

 I’m happy. I’ve never seen happiness as an inspiration for writing which is why I’ve been quiet these past few weeks. I rarely become acquainted with this emotion that whenever I feel it, I revel upon it, and as selfish as it sounds, would only want to keep it to myself. But this time, I can feel that it’s different which is why I am also trying to work around it. This time, I know it would stay. After a lot of self-help books, podcasts, and journaling that I’ve done these past two years, I can now look at myself in the mirror with a loving glance. I’ve always thought that being critical with myself has been the reason why I am accomplishing things in life. It was hard to reintroduce this kind of approach, this gentleness towards one’s self, and this love and acceptance that I’ve been trying to look for in others, that was always within me.   I find happiness in the smallest of things. I forgive myself for not accomplishing every thing on my to-do list. I listen to my...

Happy new year! 2021 arrived exactly 9 days ago and it was candid. I am trying to live in the moment and be stoic about everything that’s happening. I haven’t written any of the goals and plans that I wanted to achieve this year which is not very the past-22-years me. I am a person who thinks ahead of everything and I still am, sometimes. But now, as I write this one candidly too, I figured how life doesn’t have to always be about deadlines. I am learning the beauty of stillness in living; the journey and the waiting. I am still the girl filled with hopes and dreams that I have always been. Sometimes I take a pause and reflect, realize other little dreams. Life is such a complex multi-faceted thing (as a of lot things are) that I am yet to be acquainted with. I thought it was singular, linear and monotonous as it is, but it doesn’t have to be. Now, I think redefining my life would be my main goal for 2021. It is a continuous step towards becoming and to be a friend with change. I...