And then you keep living

    I figured it out.

    My life, of course.

    Life's been pretty shitty lately. I've been feeling shitty. And it feels even more shitty to not want to be shitty anymore.

    Now that's a lot of curse words and I really have to work on my dirty mouth.

    I wanna lie and tell how my life's great and I am thriving but fuck that bullshit (oops). If I'm gonna be honest, I hate my heart for feeling a lot. I got caught up on a new guy again and what differs this time is that I couldn't hate him. He didn't treat me poorly nor lied to me, it's just that he doesn't like me back. And he's everything I fucking want.

    My heart keeps on making poor decisions and I fucking hate it.

    I am not proud to be so hung up on such stupidity but this shit has been weighing me down. I feel like a fucking loser who couldn't live up to the girl he wanted. I so desperately want to be that girl.

    And for 2 months I tried to be her.

    So I am writing this because I am done with that crap. I am tired of treating love as something that needs to be earned. It is not--should not and never be. I've been scrapping and begging love from people who doesn't want me, when I can fucking love myself fully.

    A year after finishing Bojack Horseman, the ending finally made sense to me.

    I've always known myself as someone with self-sabotaging tendencies like most of the characters were in this show. I used to not know nor realize how they are finding it so hard to get their shit together until I realize what their motivations were.

    Bojack views change as tough work. Tough and work. He doesn't want it because he sees himself as someone who deserves a better life, he wants it because it's the RIGHT thing to want.

    Diane and Princess Carolyn on the other hand, after numerous failures and relapses, had found what it was to live.

    Diane found her peace once she acknowledged how her past have badly affected her and sought help because she wants to continue being a writer. She loves to write and she wanted to change lives which became her motivation for changing.

    Princess Carolyn was in-denial of her hurt every time she would get her heart broken. She would burn herself out working, trying to escape her hurt. And by the time she gave up looking, Judah came and changed everything.

    Sometimes, it takes letting go of control and actually letting things be that paves way for the best things.

    I wanna fall back in love with living again. I've been trying to survive and have been winging my days. I stopped growing and I kept on wallowing. This is not living. This is not the living that I want for myself.

    I can be self-sabotaging and be a control freak at times, but I deserve better than what I am willing to settle for. Sure, I do not know what better looks like, but I am hopeful for it.

    Hope, that's my motivation for this shift.

    I cannot count how many times I've got hurt nor how many little deaths I have encountered. Something always dies inside me when I get hurt badly. But as Sabrina Benaim says, no goodbyes exist in those.

 

    Sometimes life's a bitch and then you keep living.


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